I’m Not Selfish… I’m Just Struggling to Keep Up

One of the things I’ve started to notice about myself lately, something I never really gave much thought to before, is how distant I’ve become from the people around me.

Not because I don’t care.
Not because I think I’m too busy or too important.
I’m just constantly wrapped up in trying to keep my own life going, and everything else ends up feeling out of reach.

I lose time without realising.
I forget birthdays.
Messages go unanswered.
Plans never get followed up on.
And by the time I even think about reaching out, it already feels like it’s been too long.
So I don’t.
And that just adds to the distance.

I see my family getting older.
I watch my life speeding up around me, and I feel like I’m barely hanging on to the basics.
Just getting through the day can feel like an uphill climb.
And by the end of it, I’ve got nothing left in me for small talk or check-ins.

The guilt is awful.
I know people probably think I don’t care.
Or that I’m self-absorbed.
But that’s not it.
I care deeply.
I just struggle to keep up. With everything.

And here’s something else I’ve noticed that I don’t think I’ve ever really said out loud.
The way I try to connect with people often ends up pushing them away.

I tend to relate everything back to myself.
It’s not because I want to make it about me.
It’s just the only way I can actually feel what someone else is going through.
If I can imagine what it would feel like for me, then I can feel it for them.
But I know how that looks.
I know it can seem like I’m turning their experience into my story.
And I hate that.
Because that’s not what I’m trying to do.

I think I’ve lost people because of it.
Not just because I don’t stay in touch, but because when I do finally show up, I might say too much, or say the wrong thing.
I try to connect, but maybe I make it harder.

It makes me feel like a crap friend.
A distant sister.
A daughter who says she misses people, but rarely picks up the phone.
Someone who has good intentions but bad timing.
Someone who’s always just a bit too late.

And I want to be better.
I want to be more present.
I want to remember the little things.
To show up in the ways that matter.
To not always be the one who disappears when life gets overwhelming.

But I still need time to myself.
I still lose track of the days.
And sometimes, just getting through the basics is all I can manage.

So if you’ve ever felt forgotten by me, I’m sorry.
You weren’t.
You were in my thoughts more than you probably realise.
I just couldn’t find the right time, the right energy, the right words.

And if you’re someone who feels this too, who wants to be closer to people but can’t seem to keep hold of them, then I hope you see yourself in this.
Because this isn’t selfishness.
This is survival.
This is trying to navigate a life that never slows down.
This is learning how to stay connected when your brain is constantly on overload.

We’re not bad people.
We’re just tired.
And we’re still trying to find a way through it.