Surely There’s Another Way Through This

Recently, I’ve been letting my demons win.
And I know it. I can see it happening.
I’m just… not doing anything about it.
Or maybe I can’t.
I don’t even know anymore.

What I do know is that I’ve always been the one who fights.
No matter how bad things got, I always found a way through it.
Even if I broke down in private.
Even if I hated every second of it.
I still kept going.

So why now does it feel like I’ve got nothing left?
Why am I letting the smallest things take me out?

It’s not even big stuff.
It’s stupid little things like ignoring a message, avoiding a call, not putting a load of washing on, not replying to something I know needs a response.
And I just sit with it… knowing I’m avoiding it, knowing it’s going to bite me later, and still I do nothing.

I keep asking myself, what’s the point?
Why is my own brain letting me crash like this?

And the worst bit? I don’t even feel like I’m in it.
I feel like I’m watching it happen from a distance.
Like I’m outside of myself just watching the slow decline.

I know people expect me to be strong.
Hell, I expect me to be strong.
That’s what makes this feel even more like I’ve failed.
Because I’ve got nothing to blame.
I’m not grieving. I’m not dealing with a crisis.
I’m just stuck. And it feels pathetic.

But it’s not just laziness. I know that much.
Because I want to feel better.
I want to get up and fix things.
I want to get on top of my life.
But my body isn’t responding. My mind is full of fog.
And everything feels like a battle I don’t have the energy for.

I’ve been here before.
I know it doesn’t last forever.
But that doesn’t help right now, when it’s dragging.

I’m sick of pretending I’m okay.
I’m sick of trying to act normal when I’m barely holding it together.

I don’t want advice. I don’t want people to tell me to write a list or go for a walk.
I just want space to say it like it is.

This is where I’m at.
Not for sympathy. Just for honesty.
Because maybe someone else out there feels the same.
And if they do… maybe this is the sign they needed to stop pretending too.

I don’t know how to get out of this yet.
But I know I’m not alone in it.

And that has to count for something.