When Self-Awareness Feels Like a Curse

Since being diagnosed as neurodivergent, I’ve become so much more aware of my behaviour. Things I used to brush off or not even notice are now constantly in my face. It’s like I’ve stepped out of autopilot and into full-blown analysis mode. Every reaction, every habit, every uncomfortable moment, I see it all now. And honestly, I don’t always know what to do with it.

It’s opened up a lot of understanding, but it’s also brought a whole new kind of heaviness.

One of my recent discoveries is how my words are interpreted by others. I often get told I’m abrupt, or that I’ve got an “attitude” when in my mind I’m just asking a question. I don’t mean it to sound hostile, but apparently, my tone doesn’t get the memo. I’m told I sound demanding. Like I expect things. Like I’m barking orders when in reality I’m probably just asking for help, or trying to make sense of something. This constant misinterpretation of how I speak… it causes conflict. Tension. Distance. And maybe that’s why I can’t seem to keep friendships going. Maybe it’s always been part of the problem.

But here’s the thing. I never used to question it. I brushed it off. Masked it. Explained it away. I told myself people were too sensitive or just didn’t understand me. And maybe that was true. Maybe not. But now… I see it. I see me. All of me. And I can’t unsee it.

I’ve become too aware. Of my tone. Of my habits. Of my thoughts. Of my energy. I’ve picked apart every part of myself trying to understand why I feel so different. Why I react the way I do. Why I burn out. Why I struggle to relate. And in doing that, I’ve realised something no one ever tells you about self-awareness.

It doesn’t always feel empowering. Sometimes it feels like it’s ruining you.

I used to coast through things I now find overwhelming. Tasks I ignored are now loud and looming. Conversations I brushed off now replay in my head for days. I used to function. At least on the surface. Now everything feels harder. Heavier. More real. And it’s not because the world changed. It’s because I did.

There’s a quote people always throw around in the spiritual or awakening circles:
“Once you wake up, you can’t go back to sleep.”

But what they don’t tell you is that waking up doesn’t just mean seeing the truth about the world. It means seeing the truth about yourself. And that… that’s the part that breaks you wide open.

I’ve noticed traits in myself that I despise. I catch myself in loops I wish I could break. I overthink. I overanalyse. I spiral. And now that I’m aware of these patterns, I can’t ignore them. I can’t silence them. They’ve taken centre stage and I can’t shut them off. It’s like living in a house with all the lights on and nowhere to hide.

So has self-awareness ruined me?

I don’t know. I just know I don’t feel the same anymore. I don’t feel numb to it all like I used to. I feel exposed. Like everything I used to bury has crawled to the surface and now I’ve got to sit with it.

It’s not that I’m broken… but I don’t feel put together either. I don’t feel strong, I feel tired. Worn down by my own thoughts. The pressure to fix everything about myself at once. The guilt for not knowing this sooner. The shame of who I might have been before I understood it all.

I keep asking myself… was life easier when I didn’t know? Was I happier not seeing it?

And if so… what do I even do with this awareness now?

Because I can’t switch it off.